I remember the moment I walked in on my fiancé having a very intimate conversation with another woman who he was clearly having an affair with. At once I felt my whole world implode and felt my whole being awaken. It felt electric, the fear, the shock and then the relief that the truth was known. I had come to the point where I stated, “God, THY will be done. Whatever it is. I will stay if that is my path and I will leave all my plans behind, if that is my path.” I was utterly dependent.
And so my path was known. I left the house without looking back. I stayed with friends until I could sort out a new place to live and a new plan for my life. I felt for the first time, that I was completely trusting God to see me through. I have never felt closer in contact, in heart and mind than I did in those hot and vulnerable days.
Three days later, a friend I’d just met mentioned that her roommate was moving out and she was seeking a replacement. I moved right in. We became great friends. I started a spiritual study group out of our home and one of the women introduced me to the seminary where I became ordained two years later; and a year after that met the love of my life. Every blessing I now celebrate in my life unfolded from there.
I was filled with awe in those days, watching a plan unfold for me that was so clearly not my own. Something else came over me at that time as well. It was a feeling of…maturity. Not because I was truly on my own, but because I was truly depending on and trusting the love and guidance of my higher power. I
This July 4th as we celebrate our freedom and independence as a nation, I celebrate the fact that my personal freedom, the one that is not contingent on anything that exists in the changing world (money, belongings, even legal rights) comes from acknowledging how dependent and vulnerable I am. But with the love, guidance and power of God, I am made strong and capable, and have a freedom in my life truly worth celebrating.
Rev. Katherine Silvan
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